Wounded

Father, wounded. My heart is wounded.

I am bleeding again, bleeding with remnants of the past. Much I have not forgiven. Much have I not chosen to let go. What seemed resolved was only ignored, quieted.

But now, it bleeds. I am bleeding again with “WHY?” ’s and “I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” ’s. I plead with you Lord, make it stop. I thought I had forgiven. I tried so hard to forgive, to let go. I long to let the past be the past. I long to let other people’s battles be their own.

I long to love with the strength and humility to be blind to the flaw. But, I failed. I fail miserably everyday. I don’t want to pretend to myself anymore. I lost at my own game: I could not cheat myself.

When I stop and listen, there bubbles inside of my heart a cry of frustration and powerlessness. There hides a longing for a happier tomorrow. I hurt for those I love who are hurt and hurting themselves. Yes, boundaries is a term I have worked through but loving for the sake of loving can make any boundary fade away, if not in action, in one’s heart.

To love, to care… it is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing to others, a curse to myself. But it seems that longing not to care is like longing not to live. As beings of community, caring is our way to relate, to stay together, to stay alive.

So Lord, I will not ask you to take away the love you have given me for others. Instead, give me the strength to persevere in love, care, humility, and hope.

Give me the strength to live, love, hear, speak, understand, remember, appreciate, and react in the present. Let me experience and love in the present while being aware of the future.

Lord, let me be for you. Let me be all about you, Father. You are my only security. I want you to be my ONLY strength and hope. I know you are all powerful, all good, all loving, all just. I know and trust that you have my best interest at heart. And for this, I give you all the glory.

…Father, a new season of healing has commenced. Bring it!

Love,

Lily, your loving and trusting daughter.