Family of
Origin, Experiences of Origin
In psychology, there is much talk about the
family of origin and how emotional experiences can have a direct long term
effect on one’s self-concept and ultimately one’s self-esteem and outlook on
the world. Some will go even further as to say that, for Christians, their
understanding of God as a Father is directly correlated with the relationship
they had with their earthly father[iii]. In
addition to these two theories, one must not forget about all the other
relationships that have affected our schema of the world. Outside of our
families, there are friends, teachers, and a society that also shares life with
us. As we become older, go through school and pursue different activities,
although our parents did delegate to us some self-perception and emotional
baggage, the way that we experience our friendships and other interactions with
our environment are also influencers of our concept of self[iv].
Erickson
indicates that as a person experiences life, many exploratory stages will
influence how a person grows emotionally and in maturity. Erickson helps us
understand that if a stage is not successfully achieved, one’s emotional
maturity stagnates[v].
This means that as a person will be growing physically, their hearts will still
remain at the younger stage that was not successfully dealt with. When a person
remains at an emotionally immature stage, their responses to the world will
also reflect this emotional immaturity. There are two ways to look at this
outcome of emotionally stunted growth. The first is by looking at the vices
that are developed instead of the intended values of this stage as indicated by
Erickson. According to his theory, for each stage we go through, there is a
psychosocial crisis. A psychosocial crisis is a tension in which we either
develop a value or a vice; the value will help us move on effectively to the
next stage of development while the vice will keep us at the emotional stage at
which we are. For example, between the ages of 3 to 6 years old, the crisis is
initiative versus guilt[vi]. For instance,
if something negative were to happen to someone who is 26 years old who had
inherited the psychosocial vice of guilt (at around 5 years old), they would
respond within this emotional framework to this situation. This means that in a
situation where they have been wronged, they might still find a way to feel
responsible for the pain that another has inflicted on them.
Conversely, if
we assume that until the age of about 5 years old, a child’s concept of the
world is generally centered on their own interests and their immediate
environment; their response to tension in a relationship might be different.
While keeping Erickson’s theory in mind, another way to look at this
emotionally stunted growth is this. If an adult is in a tense situation where
they have wronged another but are being respectfully challenged on their
behavior, they might respond with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old and
express what could be referred to as a tantrum. Of course, many other factors
could be accounted for the explanation of this behavior, but for the sake of
this essay, we will remain on the issue of guilt and forgiveness.
This type of
response is a defence mechanism that Freud would refer to as regression[vii]. This
is why, if a person was hurt by a parent from a young age and has never dealt
with the issue, any event that reminds that person of this wound will cause
them to respond strongly in a way that reflects the age at which they
internalized that pain. Subsequently, one could suspect that self-forgiveness,
for those who experienced a childhood riddled with shame, would be a
challenging endeavour. This is a self-centered way of viewing the world where
instead of looking at events critically and exploring the realistic amount of
responsibility they have in this situation, they view everything as being their
fault or responsibility[viii]. Another self-centered way of viewing the
world is one where they blame everyone for their pain and do not take
responsibility for their discomfort[ix]. It is
common sense to assume that for these people, holding a grudge against others
can be an easy trap to fall into.
To say that life
comes with its ups and downs is nothing new. To say that as humans we all make
mistakes as much as we experience successes is just as common of knowledge. But
the question is “what does one do in a situation where the mistake or the
negative act of another (or of oneself) has scared a person’s self-concept”?
What if someone was betrayed? How do we account for the result of that effect
on that person’s life? Thus far, we have seen how events of one’s childhood can
affect one’s emotional wellness later in life, if not dealt with. So, for those
with scars of the past who desire to grow into physical and spiritual maturity,
what kind of solutions exists? Psychology accounts for many behavioural and
emotional explanations (and solutions) to answer to people’s relationship with
guilt. And it was important to explore the concept of the origin of guilt
before entering the world of spirituality as I understand forgiveness as being
guilt’s equilibrium. All the same, as Christians, one must not omit that
Scripture and Life itself can be excellent teachers to help understand
different aspects of humanity; in this case, forgiveness is the topic of
interest.
Life’s
Teachings of Forgiveness
One important
lesson that God taught me about forgiveness is this: in order to grow
spiritually in the present, I must forgive those who have hurt me in the past.
In other words, forgiving is not an option, it is a necessity to my Christian
walk. When Scripture says that in prayer that we must ask God to “forgive us
our sins, as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us” (Matthew 6:12,
ISV), there is a very imperative element of spirituality that is being
communicated. This element is that we cannot be with God, in the present, in
communion with Him, fully in the Holy Spirit if our hearts are still prisoners
of anguish of the past. If we leave our hearts to bleed in the past instead of
holding on the healing promise of our Lord God, how can we dwell with Him in
the now? We must forgive those who have hurt us, even if this means forgiving
ourselves. Christ did. If you are His child and you ask for His forgiveness, He
forgave you (1 John 1:9). C.S. Lewis says this: “I think that if God forgives
us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves
as a higher tribunal than Him.[x]” We must
humble ourselves and let God be God even when we do not understand the extent
of His grace. Just as the Bible is full of mysteries that are never to be
understood on this side of heaven, so is the extent of God’s grace for us. All
we are to understand is that God’s justice is a mystery of which only He is
judge. Michael Downey, the author of Altogether
Gift: A Trinitarian Spirituality, talks about this importance of “learning
how not to know”[xi].
He explains that one can be affected by a mystery without knowing what that
mystery is[xii].
Just like human love is a mystery that is to be embraced but faintly
understood, so is the mystery of God’s self-giving love. In this three-in-one
Love, he moves within itself (the Trinity) and towards us[xiii]. We
must accept that there are things that are not meant to be understood on this
side of the grave. I believe that by making peace with this realization, we are
also putting ourselves back to a place of humility where we can allow God to be
King over our lives.
Not long ago,
as I was talking with a friend of mine, I realised that in her life, just like
in mine, forgiveness is a struggle that deals with pride. When we have been
wronged, part of our innocence and joy leaves with this person. We have been
stolen a part of the innocence God has blessed us with. The feeling could be
described as one where we have a grudge against someone who has an unpaid debt
towards us or someone who has willingly stolen from us with no apology or
intention of returning back what was wrongfully acquired. It feels right out
unfair! But then, what would happen if we stopped and considered our own sinful
natures? Let’s remember that sin is the nature of all members of humanity. Let’s think of how, just like in Ezekiel
16, we were helpless babes born in iniquity resting in our own blood, when God
found us and took us in. Instead of keeping us in the state of an orphan or
making us a servant, He made us His spouse; more than the love He had for a
child, He gave us the selfless love of a husband. And despite His devotion to
us, we went to others for affirmation and love; we ran away trying to fulfill
our own pleasures. As His children, we had a marriage covenant, and broke it
too many times; we broke His trust more times than we can count. More than
once, we broke His heart.
This story
reminds me of my own fallenness. What God has taught me in my walk with Him is
that in order to forgive, I must recognise my own fallenness before Him. On our
own, we are broken beings who, because of our state of sin, do not deserve to
live or even be near the presence of God (Isaiah 59:2; 2 Corinthians 5:21;
Romans 8:1-4). But, despite our own fallenness and despite our own inability to
meet His standards, He still thought that it was good to view us as worthy
children for whom He sacrificed his only most precious Son. When we recognise
our own depravity before the King, holding a grudge against a fellow fallen
being becomes inconsistent. To do so is to be the servant in the parable of the
unmerciful servant (Matthew 18:21-35) who owed ten thousand bags of gold to his
master but condemned a fellow servant who owed him only a hundred silver coins.
Of course, this can seem like an irrelevant and even extreme example, as it is
easy to see dignity as a priceless commodity that has no value when compared to
money. So let me put this in another perspective. Not only that, let’s look at
this wrongdoer himself. In high school, God gave me this quote: “those who
deserve the less love are those who need it the most”. In order to have taken
the right to hurt you, how much more must they have been pained to even
consider doing such a terrible act? God gave us grace when we were laying in
our own filth, so why not ask God to give you also the Love of God that you may
have grace for this person as they lay in their own filth; even if this person
is yourself.
Here’s another
question. How much did God grow you from the pain that you have experienced?
Although you were at a low point at the season when you were pained, aren’t you
now at a higher level than ever before? Scripture shows many examples of how he
has allowed pain in people’s lives in order to foster growth in the character
of his children. For many personalities of the Bible, this “injustice” revealed
itself to be a greater gift than to have never experienced this in the first
place.
Scars of the
Soul
And what about
these girls or boys who have experienced this kind of abuse that can cripple a
person’s emotional well-being for life? How does one forgive in those
situations while knowing that although they were able to forgive, they must
still walk with this deep scar for the rest of their lives? As it was hinted at
in the paragraph above, God makes “all things work together for good to
those who love God” (Romans 8:28, ESV). One thing that God has taught me in
this regard is how as beings of community, one’s pain is meant to bless
another. With pain can come wisdom, if you let it. But, acquiring wisdom can
only come through humility. One must recognise God’s authority and power over
our broken lives. It is important to realise that although our pain feels
unbearable, God, who is omnipresent, was there with us and knows the struggle
that we have experienced (Hebrews 4:15; 1 Peter 2:21-24). And in this struggle,
His name can be glorified and will be glorified, if we let Him take control of
all of our broken selves (Romans 8:28; 1 Peter 2:19-25). As you allow God to
transform this pain into a road to spiritual growth, forgiveness will find its
place. God will teach you to see the world and your pain differently. This
lesson, you can share with others who have undergone a similar pain. And when
you meet a brother or sister that says “I am broken”, you can truly say “I
understand” and allow the Holy Spirit to guide your words as you listen and
share the hope and wisdom that God has given you through your own trial. As Downey says, our spirituality is meant to be public[xiv]. This is not a
private event that regards only ourselves and God. In our growth, God wants us
to grow others into maturity, as indicated in Hebrews 5:12-14. This is why,
when we experience pain, we should not only look at how hurt we have felt or at
how guilty we are but should pray to God something like this: “Lord, I am hurt
but I am willing to learn. I choose to trust You and rest in You. I trust that
You will rise me up to new heights where I can become stronger for Your name’s
sake; where I can be used for Your glory to bless other broken siblings in
Christ. Thanks for walking with me as I learn to forgive and grow to be more
like Christ. Amen.”
Self-Forgiveness
For those who
struggle with self-forgiveness, although what has been said so far may seem
inapplicable, I truly believe that the concept of forgiveness is the same. The
only difference is that the battle is not to let go of a grudge against another
but to let go of your pride. Let’s make one thing clear. No matter what you
would have done, you would still be short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23;
Isaiah 64:6). But, in this situation of self-condemnation, your desire for
perfection was wounded by the reality of your fallen nature. Why do you feel so
surprised by your imperfection? Although your action was wrong, the issue of
your heart is still the matter that you need to focus your attention on. You
desire what you cannot have: Perfection. Only God is Perfect. Putting yourself
to an expectation that God has not intended for you to achieve on this side of
the grave is not honouring or respecting God’s Word. God created redemption to
deal with the very reality that He knows that you will NEVER be able to meet
his expectations. When you focus on beating yourself up for not being perfect,
you are distracting yourself from living in the grace of God which allows for
redemption because of the gift of salvation. You are keeping yourself from
living in the Freedom that God has given us through the death of Jesus-Christ.
Regret can be a heavy burden to carry. But, regret belongs in the past so why
spend so much time in events that have already happened? How is regretting a
past event dealing with the solution that lies in the present? Regret is an
unnecessary emotional torture that does nothing more than to make the enemy of
God rejoice to see his scheme of distraction working so efficiently. The book
Screwtape Letters addresses how playing with the concept of time is an
effective way to distract a person from their focus on God[xv]. Lewis
talks about the present as this place that reflects eternity[xvi]. When
one lives in the now instead of living in the regrets of the past, they can
truly participate in the relationship that God desires for us[xvii]. We
only have one brain. Our attention can only truly belong in one place at a
time. For this reason, although you may desire to be with God in the now, if
you have not claimed the Truth that you have been forgiven in the name of
Jesus-Christ and ARE washed clean by His ultimate sacrifice, your heart will
never fully be His. And so, let God be God. Let His Truth be the Truth by which you live your life.
Be free in Christ and let go of the burden of regret so that you can humbly embrace
the gift of Life that is found in the redemptive grace of Jesus-Christ. Forgive
yourself, for He has already done so.
What to Do with
Forgiveness?
This said, to
forgive is not to forget. To forgive, can be to learn and move on. Forgiveness
is learning to let go of what we cannot control while accepting the opportunity
to mature and move on as we develop the ability to practice the grace towards
another that God has for us. But, even if the mind knows the Truth, the heart
does not necessarily follow. What about the lingering feeling of guilt? How
does one deal with it? Interestingly enough, guilt, although a negative
feeling, is a neutral one as it can either have a positive or negative outcome[xviii].
There is distinction in the Bible that is made about condemnation and conviction.
Condemnation shows your wrong without ever sharing any solution; this is a
tactic of the enemy to keep the divide in your communication with your Loving
Father[xix]. But
conviction is the discipline of your Loving Father instructing you to change
your ways for the fame of His name[xx]. The
motivation to change one’s behavior in this case, is motivated by love not by
shame. It is one where the Holy Spirit sheds light on a dark part of our hearts
that we had overlooked. The negative feeling of discontent in this situation is
not shame but sadness to know that you have hurt the Father’s heart through
your behavior. This is a hurt that can be quickly remedied if after you ask
forgiveness for this sin, you actively pursue change as you hold on to the Love
of your Heavenly Father as your anchor. Remember that conviction is ultimately
a part of the lifelong process of redemption through which in the Holy Spirit,
through Scripture, alongside brothers and sisters in Christ, growth in grace
can continue.
Forgiveness
and Spiritual Maturity
As the topic
of forgiveness was discussed in this essay, one can easily note that there were
certain paradoxes that were discussed. We went from the concept of marriage to
God, to the concept of sonship of God, to focusing on our own sin rather than
that of the wrongdoer… In our day and age, these are ways of thinking that seem
illogical and confusing if not categorised as complete gibberish. This kind of
thinking is what some theorists have referred to as dialectical wisdom[xxi].
Dialectical wisdom derives from spiritual maturity[xxii]. As a
person grows in their relationship with God, their understanding of Scripture
and their relationship with Christ will begin to change. For example, they
begin to develop a sense of justice where they learn to mimic the example of
Christ[xxiii].
They start putting the well being of others before their own (dying to self)
and they begin to reorganise the way they view society[xxiv]. They
no longer see gender and social status but needs that need to be filled.
The authors of
the book Transforming Spirituality,
support that it is through moments of low well-being and “dark nights of the
soul” that greater spiritual maturity can be attained and I strongly agree with
their view[xxv].
The ability to reach a more unshakable point of deep trust in God can happen
from a moment where God seems far away. Of course, through those difficult
moments, one has the choice of protecting their spirituality and look more
intently to God the Father or of looking elsewhere to find spiritual comfort[xxvi].
These moments of darkness are moments of humility where one learns to know
themselves to greater depths[xxvii]. As
we grow into a deeper understanding of self, we then increase in adaptability
and are able to create a more secure attachment relationship with God through
the process[xxviii].
As Sandage puts it: “[m]ature expressions of spiritual dwelling are centered in
love for God, love for self, and love for neighbor”[xxix].
In sum, a
great example of a man who was able to forgive himself and live fully and
boldly for Christ in the present was the Apostle Paul. He was a murderer of
Christians who, after being convicted of his sin by Christ himself, accepted
Him as his Savior. He had many good reasons to feel guilty for the evil actions
that he had done in the past. But in 1 Timothy 1:15, we see that he does not reminisce on what he did wrong but
rejoices in the fact that God can use the story of his brokenness to win more
hearts for the Kingdom of Heaven.
Conclusion
As sinners
born in sin, raised by sinners, sharing life with other sinners, battles with
guilt and difficulties finding the strength to forgive others is simply the
life that we are faced with. This is not an injustice but a product of sin that
is called reality. As Erickson has made clear in his theory, the way that our
relationships help us to succeed through various stages of development will
have a stronghold on the struggles that we have as we move on in life.
Thankfully, through therapy, relational support, as we spend more time in the
Holy Spirit learning about God’s Word, in His will, many of these issues can
dissipate and become manageable. Recognising and dealing with our fallen
tendencies is part of the process of redemption. We all have our cross to bear
and God has allowed only what we can handle and the strength necessary to overcome
to those struggles (I Corinthians 10:13; Matthew 16 :24/Luke 9 :23).
[i] Lewis, 98
[ii] ibid.
[iii] Hood, R. W., Hill, P. C., & Spilka, B. (2009).
The psychology of religion. (4 ed., p. 95). New York, NY: The Guildford
Press.
[iv] Stein, H. T., & Edwards,
M. E. (2005). Alfred Adler Institutes of San Francisco and Northwest Washington.
Retrieved from http://www.adlerian.us/theoprac.htm
[v] Erikson, E. H. (1982). The life cycle completed.
(pp. 7-103). New York: Rikan Enterprises Ltd.
[vi] ibid.
[vii] Britt, M. () (2007, February 25). Episode 5 :
In Defence of Defence Mechanisms (Retrieved from: http://www.thepsychfiles.com/2007/02/episode-5-in-defense-of-defense-mechanisms/)
[viii] Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries:
When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. (1 ed., pp.
40-43; 53-59). Grand Rapids, MI: HarperCollins Publishers.
[ix] Ibid.
[x] Lewis, C. S., & Ford, P. F. (2008). Yours,
jack, spiritual direction from c.s. lewis. HarperOne.
[xi] Downey, M. (2000). Altogether gift: A
trinitarian spirituality. Maryknoll, NY: Orbis Books.
[xii] ibid.
[xiii] ibid.
[xiv] ibid.
[xv] Lewis, C. S. (2003). The complete c.s. lewis
signature classics. In Screwtape Letters, 1942
(pp. 227-228). New York:HarperOne.
[xvi] ibid.
[xvii] ibid.
[xviii]
L., R. (n.d.). Condemnation Versus
Conviction. (2003-2008) Retrieved from http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/condemnation_conviction.php
[xix] ibid.
[xx] ibid.
[xxi]
Shults, F. L., & Sandage, S. J. (2006). Transforming
Spirituality: Integrating Theology and
Psychology. Grand
Rapids, MI: Baker Academic.
[xxii] ibid.
[xxiii] ibid.
[xxiv] ibid.
[xxv] ibid.
[xxvi] ibid.
[xxvii] ibid.
[xxviii] ibid.
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