Wrestling With God

In my room, I have this quote posted up of  Genesis 32:22 that says the following:

“I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

You see, as much as I have been blessed with so many beautiful memories and life experiences, I cannot ignore the many times where I have and still do wrestle with God. Quite frankly, I feel like my walk with God often tends to go back to this place of struggle. I have tried to resent those feelings of powerlessness; ignore those frustrations about certain aspects of my life. But, no matter how much I try to avoid God and do things my way or try to stay away from Him, every single time, I come to the conclusion that I cannot be at a better place in my life than to be alone with the Almight God wrestling out different issues until He blesses me with an answer. The fights are often long, they are often painful but, this kind of pain is so sweet compared to those times where I try to fight to make things work on my own. Here's how I break it down: I feel anxious when I am frustrated about not being able to control or fix a situation myself and I feel anguish when I am trying to make myself surrender a part of my life to God or am waiting on Him to bless me with freedom from a part of my sinful heart.

A friend sent me a really neat video today about this Scripture that I have posted on my wall. It's called

The Theology of the Cross and Walking with a Limp by Timothy Keller. It gave a really cool perspective to this Scripture passage that I am so fascinated with! I hope it blesses you with insight as it did for me :)

Hardship Fosters Growth - Joanne Jung

Once Upon a Difficult Time...

Maybe that all I need is some God-time-me-time.

But shouldn’t God time only belong to God? 
Why am I in this equation the benefactor?

But me-time without God, is there such a thing?

If God is in me, whether I choose 
God-time or me-time, 
Isn't it still all His Time?

Me-Time or God-time?

I am lacking in both.

The lack of friend-time makes me miss  
Me-time-God-time.

What time?

Why time?

Time,
This very needed thing 
That slips 
Between 
Your fingers.

Please! I need
Silence…

Peace…

Lord, 
My cares 
are few 
but they are present.

They faintly shine before me, 
Begging for attention but,

I cannot give in.
I will not.

I say no 
To this distraction

That is,

My heart.

It feels as though by pursuing a dream,

By trying to make it closer,

I pushed those near my heart,

Away from my attention.

My obsession on success

Has made me a disinterest to those who liked me.

But friends are there in all seasons.

It just hurts to know that the interested number

Is few.

And the irony,
Is that thankfully,
In Time,

I have learned much,

I have grown much 
and my tolerance
Has grown much.

In His Time,
God makes a season
For every moment,
There is a time. 
And in due Time,
God-time-me-time
Will happen 
again 
in
Silence and
in Peace.

When I was busy being busy, I never noticed that I had a heart. I took for granted that it was beating.

But today, I chose to stop. I took the time to listen to the rhythm of my heart… and I noticed that it ached.

While I thought my heart was working healthily, it was bleeding. A small little crevice was letting out a small inconsistent squirt of crimson blood letting my life, slowly drip, between my fingers.

I was trying to survive as the fittest but being the fittest is only a myth that I fed myself to control a future in which I have no say. I had been bleeding but was so rushed by the adrenaline of performance that I forgot about the limits of my humanity; of this frail body.

A body can break. A body can be wounded. A body needs to be tended to. This heart, it needs God and it needs friendship. It needs time, for herself.

This heart has needs.

My mind may desire to control every part of my being but without the heart, the mind is pointless; the body is lifeless.

I give back this special place to my heart; this place that only a heart can successfully fill. Yes, mind and heart should be aligned, working with each other and not against. There is such a thing as concession that needs to happen even inside my soul. Mind and heart need to be friends. No more judgement. Both have weaknesses but with each other relying on Christ as ultimate reference and foundation, they will prevail to give me the peace, and satisfaction that I deserve to feel out of my life.

Lord, take my cares away, fill my heart with your joy again. Drench me in your peace and give me your ability to manage the unmanageable. Teach me priorities in more than just work. Teach me how to prioritize every aspect of my life into harmony. Make me a maestro of the tasks you grant me. I want the ability to make melody out of a mundane task and a challenge. Let me glorify you in all I do and please, Lord. Make me aware of the good that I do, and the things I need to work on. Please help me see clearly. Teach me to see things in perspective, viewing the whole picture.

Side Note: I found this in my computer without a date on it. I don't remember when I wrote this. It might have been this semester or last...

The Craftsman’s Maze

You greet me with a smile,

With those eyes…

Your eyes, they say to me

“You are, truly,

The most Beautiful

Thing in the world!”

But as wise,

A crafter of emotions,

Carefully,

Your words,

Your actions,

Express the very mastery of an art.

With games for two,

In a maze from you,

I get lost.

So carefully,

So artfully

Crafted,

A path to love,

Never to be found

You created.

All your actions

Lead to love;

This is

The illusion

You created.

Blind in my innocence

Little did I know

That never

Was I meant

To get there.

To you,

It is a sport,

To get there,

To my heart.

When, to my heart

You hit

Using the name of Cupid

In vain,

The story continues

That

One more broken heart

Is left

Alone and confused

With
For only companion,

Broken hope.

Now,

Still,

I remain 

In this maze.

Now,

With the purpose

To find my way

Back.

Using disillusion

As my compass

To leave

This forsaken place,

I stay far away
From where

I started,

Swearing 
To never again

Fall

Into another

Craftsman’s maze.

Making it now an

Impossible challenge

To be fooled again

In the name of Cupid

By a simple smile or gaze.

Wounded

Father, wounded. My heart is wounded.

I am bleeding again, bleeding with remnants of the past. Much I have not forgiven. Much have I not chosen to let go. What seemed resolved was only ignored, quieted.

But now, it bleeds. I am bleeding again with “WHY?” ’s and “I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” ’s. I plead with you Lord, make it stop. I thought I had forgiven. I tried so hard to forgive, to let go. I long to let the past be the past. I long to let other people’s battles be their own.

I long to love with the strength and humility to be blind to the flaw. But, I failed. I fail miserably everyday. I don’t want to pretend to myself anymore. I lost at my own game: I could not cheat myself.

When I stop and listen, there bubbles inside of my heart a cry of frustration and powerlessness. There hides a longing for a happier tomorrow. I hurt for those I love who are hurt and hurting themselves. Yes, boundaries is a term I have worked through but loving for the sake of loving can make any boundary fade away, if not in action, in one’s heart.

To love, to care… it is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing to others, a curse to myself. But it seems that longing not to care is like longing not to live. As beings of community, caring is our way to relate, to stay together, to stay alive.

So Lord, I will not ask you to take away the love you have given me for others. Instead, give me the strength to persevere in love, care, humility, and hope.

Give me the strength to live, love, hear, speak, understand, remember, appreciate, and react in the present. Let me experience and love in the present while being aware of the future.

Lord, let me be for you. Let me be all about you, Father. You are my only security. I want you to be my ONLY strength and hope. I know you are all powerful, all good, all loving, all just. I know and trust that you have my best interest at heart. And for this, I give you all the glory.

…Father, a new season of healing has commenced. Bring it!

Love,

Lily, your loving and trusting daughter.